Leaning in to the mystery
I eat an apple almost every day at work.
My colleagues tease me about this connection to my former teacher status.
I just smile and continue (happily) munching.
On Monday morning, June 17th, 2024, I arrived at my desk and noticed a plastic produce bag with a red object inside.
At first, the anxious part of my brain started to panic, thinking, "Oh no, I must have left an old apple core out and someone bagged it up as a warning to be more responsible and considerate and to throw my trash away like a normal adult and to stop junking up my cubicle and..."
Talk about spiraling! 😅
Thankfully, my rational brain took over. I decided to investigate before making any more judgments.
I opened the produce bag and drew out a whole, gleaming, perfectly round, ruby-red apple.
Immediately I whirled around as if someone hiding in the adjacent cubicle might pop out and say "Gotcha!!!"
"Where did this apple come from? Wait, did everyone get one? Nope. Just me. Did someone bring this FOR ME? This is strange."
Throughout the day, most of my connections with coworkers went like this:
"Good morning, Kerry! Did you leave an apple at my desk? No? Okay."
"Sandi, was it you? Nope? Ugh, I wonder who did it."
"Hey Bradley, is this from you? Really? Not you? Wow! I'm striking out here."
"Wait, Cheryl! You eat an apple every day too. Did you by chance bring this for me? It wasn't you? Oh my."
"Dee, my partner in crime... Did you "apple me?" Not you? Seriously!? I'm lost."
"Yes, Rhoda. You're right. One bite could put me to sleep forever. Which is why I know it wasn't you. You wouldn't poison your favorite."
"Jason, did you... Oh yeah, I forgot you're always making jokes about avoiding produce. Nevermind."
"Steven, this is a long shot, but did you leave an apple at my desk this morning? I know, I know... You would have taken the credit for it if you did it."
As the day progressed, I grew more antsy about solving this mystery.
Around 2 pm a quiet thought entered my mind:
You don't need to know.
I rolled this thought around in my brain a few more times.
I don't need to know.
I DON'T need to know.
I don't NEED to know.
I don't need to KNOW.
I felt my shoulders drop, my jaw relax, my breath deepen, and my thoughts settle.
This mystery didn't need to be solved.
Whether it was an intentional gesture or a happy accident, I received an apple.
And that apple sparked joy.
And that apple instilled hope.
And that apple fostered connection.
And that apple said "You are seen. I'm thinking of you."
I didn't need to know the "who" or the "why" to appreciate the apple.
I could lean in to the mystery without having the answers.
I could enjoy the delight of a gift with no strings attached.
This shift in perspective felt pure and holy and liberating.
The truth is: I have questions.
Many of my life events have been shrouded in mystery these last few years.
God isn't the author of confusion, BUT:
I became confused by "right" decisions yielding undesirable results.
I became confused when the fruit I harvested didn't match the seeds I sowed.
I became confused when the voice of my godly counsel didn't echo the voice of God.
I wish I could tell you I've reached the summit of this mountain.
I wish I could tell you I have a bird's eye view of all the switchbacks.
I wish I could tell you I now knew "Why."
I would be lying.
I haven't reached the "What the enemy meant for evil, God turned for good" or the "All things work together for good to those who love God" parts of my story.
I'm still climbing toward heavenly perspective.
But here is a truth I can't deny:
God has been dropping apples on my path this whole time.
I have experienced glimmers of joy, hope, and connection on this journey.
I have encountered El Roi- the God who sees me.
God used that apple on my desk to shift my spirit.
I've been wanting answers; He's been giving apples.
I don't need to know.
I have to surrender the fight for understanding.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says,
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
When I do my part, God does His part.
As I climb, I will trust God with ALL my heart.
Broken heart.
Hopeful heart.
Longing heart.
Anxious heart.
Courageous heart.
Joyful heart.
Discouraged heart.
Passionate heart.
I will not lean on my own understanding.
I don't need to know.
His ways are Higher.
His thoughts are Higher.
I will acknowledge Him in ALL my ways.
Ministry ways.
Career ways.
Financial ways.
Relationship ways.
Health ways.
He will direct my paths.
One of my favorite bloggers, Hannah Brencher, often discusses her journey with depression. She recently highlighted the story of Elijah the prophet in an Instagram post. Elijah hit a low point where he asked God to take his life. Instead, God sent ravens to provide food for Elijah. God chose an unlikely vessel to provide nourishment, care, and provision in a time of suffering.
Hannah stated this in her post:
God is in the business of using unexpected elements. The elements we typically discount or the people we might be tempted to write off.
New graces and fresh mercies appear all the time -- we just have to train our eyes to see them, to encounter the miraculous in the midst of the mud.
In my depression, I started looking for the ravens. I began counting every time God provided in a way I wasn't expecting him to. The fresh autumn breeze. The easier night. The church service message. The text at 11 pm. The acquaintance reaching out. Ravens came to me to provide me what I needed to get through that day and night.
This is my story too.
God hasn't sent ravens, but He has sent apples.
Hundreds and hundreds these last few years.
From this moment forward- when my heart begins to ask "Why?" I'm going to choose to lean in to the mystery. I don't need to know. He is God. He is good. And His apples are glorious.
Song I'm Currently Loving: "I Believe" by Charity Gayle
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