Slivers of glass
On July 31, 2021 I went to urgent care to have a sliver of glass removed from the ball of my left foot.
For two weeks prior I lived with it, tolerated it, and attempted to ignore it. I even tried praying it away.
Why did I put up with it for two weeks? Mostly because I'm stubborn. I didn't want to admit how much a tiny sliver of glass was impacting me. But also, I really, really, really wanted my prayers to work.
The night before I got help, God taught me a lesson about faith, healing and... my stubbornness.
July 28th-30th I was singing on the worship team at a youth conference. This meant I was on my feet- IN HEELS- quite a bit. Not to mention, we are pretty exuberant worshippers- so the leaping, dancing, and twirling wasn't helping the "shard of glass in my foot" situation.
I was determined to give God my best no matter how much pain I was in. He strengthened me through the pain many times, but the relief never lasted long.
When I prayed and nothing changed, I told myself my faith was weak.
I opened up to a few trusted people. They all encouraged me to go get help. They warned me against infection. Again, in stubbornness, I resisted. I wanted to believe God and see it done. No outside help necessary.
On Friday night, July 30th, after finishing our worship set, I felt a terrible pain in my neck. It felt like something sharp was scratching at the tender flesh of my throat. The pain came on suddenly and seemingly without cause.
I remember thinking, "God, what is HAPPENING?!? First my foot and now this..."
I knew we had to sing again later. This mysterious lump was definitely going to get in the way. I placed my hand over my throat and prayed the best prayer of faith I could muster.
"Jesus, I don't know what is going on in my body, but I do know you are able to take care of it. By faith, I command this issue to go away. You have called me to sing at this conference. I want to be able to fulfill that mission. I believe you for complete healing. I receive it in JESUS' mighty name!"
After praying, I focused my attention back on the preacher. A few minutes later, I began to cough. I felt something dislodge in my throat. Completely grossed out, I grabbed a tissue and spat it out.
It was then that God spoke.
"Your faith has made you whole."
I was stunned.
"What do you mean, Jesus?!? What faith? The faith that wasn't enough to get rid of the glass?"
You prayed again.
"Oh."
I had prayed again. I was going on two weeks of unanswered prayers for my foot. When a new need for healing arose, I didn't turn away from God. I turned toward Him.
This God-moment filled me with wonder. It also confirmed what the wise counsel in my life had advised: it was time to get help with the glass.
Believing my ongoing pain was a faith issue seems silly now. I take pain relievers when I need them. I'm a big believer in DayQuil & NyQuil. I cut off my hang-nails. Why was this any different?
I truly think because I'd toughed it out for so long I just felt stuck.
I think many of us walk around with slivers of glass stuck deep within. Brokenness has pierced and punctured us. We wince when nobody is looking and smile when they are.
We conceal grief, trauma, loneliness, anger, disappointment, doubt... We hide anything that makes us appear needy.
We try to move forward, but these slivers keep digging deeper into our skin. Soon enough, infection sets in. Our body rejects and fights what was not meant to be there.
Friends, we need help with the extraction.
I know sometimes it seems easier to continue suffering than get help. I know we've been told getting help is a sign of weakness. If only we had more faith, prayed harder, or were more grateful.... surely the pain would go away.
We are strong enough to mask the pain, but we will never heal until we get to the source.
I know what it is like to live with slivers of glass stuck inside but still function on the outside.
I know what it is like to feel everything and nothing all at once. I know what it is like to live with a mind so loud and busy you can't even form a clear thought. I know what it is like to wish it would all just stop. I know what it is like to pray for God to take you in the night so you won't have to face tomorrow.
I know what it is like.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety in June 2021.
Slivers of glass.
Slivers of glass I ignored for so long they became infected and nearly took me out.
I know what it is like suffer in silence- mask the pain- push through.
I'm here to tell you: you don't have to.
You can get help.
Prayer works.
Counseling works.
Medication works.
Journaling works.
Exercise & sunshine works.
Breathing works.
We do not have to accept pain never meant for us in order to prove we are strong. Our strength will never be sufficient to carry weight of this world. But Christ's strength is!
Paul said it best when he shared his own struggles in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 NKJV.
"7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Our weakness is not an opportunity to prove our own strength, but an opportunity to prove Christ's.
Our weakness does not disqualify us. It qualifies Christ.
His grace is sufficient.
His strength is perfect.
I feel someone needs to call on the Great Physician today. Someone needs help extracting the source of suffering inflicted on you. Someone needs to say, "Alright, Doc. Numb me and get this sucker out. I know it's gonna hurt, but I'll feel better after."
This is where the healing begins.
And who knows? Maybe if enough of us surrender our broken pieces He will be able to make a masterpiece out of them.
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